GraceMarie's Adventure Blog

Maybe you think that no one will notice if you quietly slip out the front door  You've done it before. Made an excuse Only to make it back home To your beckoning bed  to your safe place where there is no judgement  no anxiety  no stress how could I blame you  but then I find myself alone in the room once again  facing fears by myself  and you are nowhere to be seen but the difference is I need you do you need me? 

your lips pressed against mine hands wandering to places I didn't give you permission to touch how I tried to scream, tried to scratch  tried to fight  how you pressed your hand over my mouth  so i couldn't scream placed a hand around my neck and tightened it  how I was gasping for air pleading with you  how you ripped the buttons off of my shirt  you got frustrated and fumbled around discarded clothing  how you violated me in so many ways  but insisted that we were friends that we had known each other for so long  that I wanted it  how I had liked it  putting words into my mouth as I lay there mute  putting your clothes back on and walking out like nothing had happened  the world continuing on for you as it stood still for me 

She can face her fears and anxiety with the help of a bottle. That feeling of euphoria when she reaches the bottom But then the anxiety when she realizes she needs more to cope to function to be the self that everyone sees the fun and enthusiastic, has her shit together type of girl What they don't know or maybe they do... how many times she has to brush her teeth to get the stains off her teeth how many breath mints and packs of gum she goes through to mask the smell how much money she wastes just to get a fix how she's starting to self medicate how she can't control her urges how she drinks sometimes so that she doesn't wake up wishes she doesn't wake

I've been here too long. The sheets are starting to smell like my perfume. That dresser drawer has some of my things My tooth brush is near the sink. I know what kind of floss you keep in the medicine cabinet. I'm beginning to realize I've been here a bit too long How much time and love have I invested? I can't remember the last time you asked me a question I'm always starting the conversation. Why am I still here Am I afraid of what comes next Afraid of confrontation? Afraid of leaving the familiar. All I know is what I should do. But it's not the same as what I want to do.

It probably looks a lot different than you imagined.  You're probably thinking, where's the return policy.

There's nothing that can be said. There's no words that can be said that will make it better. I'm not even sure it's something that can be made better. Every day the pain lessens. And we move on with our lives and the pain dulls somewhere along the way.

Have you ever dedicated so much time to something for it to just fizzle out or you get so frustrated you have to put it down? What happens when that was the center of your entire life and one day you're just done with it.  You find other things to fill in the gap but it was such a large part of your life. What then?

His right hand caresses the back of my neck, while his left pulls me into an embrace. As tears roll down my face, I think that I could stay like this forever in his arms. For that one moment, everything is okay.

I'm trying to understand. Trying to wrap my head around this other side of you that I didn't know existed. Was anything real? What happens when I'm standing by your side when the truth comes out. What will I do then. Is it too late? Have I already lost myself.