GraceMarie's Adventure Blog

Do I embrace the inevitable future? Do I keep fighting, tooth and nail until the end? Is it worth it to keep fighting? Or do I enjoy the days that I have left.

Maybe you think that no one will notice if you quietly slip out the front door  You've done it before. Made an excuse Only to make it back home To your beckoning bed  to your safe place where there is no judgement  no anxiety  no stress how could I blame you  but then I find myself alone in the room once again  facing fears by myself  and you are nowhere to be seen but the difference is I need you do you need me? 

your lips pressed against mine hands wandering to places I didn't give you permission to touch how I tried to scream, tried to scratch  tried to fight  how you pressed your hand over my mouth  so i couldn't scream placed a hand around my neck and tightened it  how I was gasping for air pleading with you  how you ripped the buttons off of my shirt  you got frustrated and fumbled around discarded clothing  how you violated me in so many ways  but insisted that we were friends that we had known each other for so long  that I wanted it  how I had liked it  putting words into my mouth as I lay there mute  putting your clothes back on and walking out like nothing had happened  the world continuing on for you as it stood still for me 

She can face her fears and anxiety with the help of a bottle. That feeling of euphoria when she reaches the bottom But then the anxiety when she realizes she needs more to cope to function to be the self that everyone sees the fun and enthusiastic, has her shit together type of girl What they don't know or maybe they do... how many times she has to brush her teeth to get the stains off her teeth how many breath mints and packs of gum she goes through to mask the smell how much money she wastes just to get a fix how she's starting to self medicate how she can't control her urges how she drinks sometimes so that she doesn't wake up wishes she doesn't wake

I've been here too long. The sheets are starting to smell like my perfume. That dresser drawer has some of my things My tooth brush is near the sink. I know what kind of floss you keep in the medicine cabinet. I'm beginning to realize I've been here a bit too long How much time and love have I invested? I can't remember the last time you asked me a question I'm always starting the conversation. Why am I still here Am I afraid of what comes next Afraid of confrontation? Afraid of leaving the familiar. All I know is what I should do. But it's not the same as what I want to do.

It probably looks a lot different than you imagined.  You're probably thinking, where's the return policy.

There's nothing that can be said. There's no words that can be said that will make it better. I'm not even sure it's something that can be made better. Every day the pain lessens. And we move on with our lives and the pain dulls somewhere along the way.

Have you ever dedicated so much time to something for it to just fizzle out or you get so frustrated you have to put it down? What happens when that was the center of your entire life and one day you're just done with it.  You find other things to fill in the gap but it was such a large part of your life. What then?

His right hand caresses the back of my neck, while his left pulls me into an embrace. As tears roll down my face, I think that I could stay like this forever in his arms. For that one moment, everything is okay.

I'm trying to understand. Trying to wrap my head around this other side of you that I didn't know existed. Was anything real? What happens when I'm standing by your side when the truth comes out. What will I do then. Is it too late? Have I already lost myself.

I've been listening to quite a bit of music lately.  One thing that helps me when I feel like I can't write or am having a hard time coming up with some inspiration... are song lyrics or titles. They're just enough to give me some type of topic or give me something to go off of for inspiration. So I think I will start writing little snippets.. Who know's how long they'll be.. maybe only a few words or sentences. But I'll be posting the line from the song as the title. Stay tuned.

I spelled out, "I can and I will" on my felt lettering board one day after a tough week on FTO. My FTO had asked me to take a hard look at my life, at my life as a police officer and if I wanted to do this.  I went home and thought deeply about it and settled on: yes. I can do this and I will do this.  This stuck with my for the rest of FTO. I still make mistakes, but I learn from them.  At the end of the day, that little sentence, that is still on my felt lettering board, got me through. It made me work for something, and a motto to stick by when things got tough.

The last year has taught me that self care is incredibly important. We all have stressors at work, in our home lives, our personal lives and that's okay. But, sometimes we need to press the reset button. For me, this has manifested in a few different ways.  The first is exercise. It's not always consistent, it's not always pretty but I know that my health is important.  I try to train with a personal trainer once a week, just to keep me on track.  The next is a monthly or bi-monthly massage. I found this great massage place that I absolutely love. I have the same massage therapist every single time and she's great.  I tell her my problem areas of the month or week, etc and it's fantastic. It relieves my stress and helps get the knots out of my body. Yes, it's a splurge, but it's self care and important.  I look forward to my massage every month.  Another is taking spontaneous trips on my days off. The most recent was a trip to the Grand C...

The sun was setting over the horizon, soon, the cover of darkness would set in. Just like the fading sun, the setting had changed. The mood was different. Something foul, made my skin crawl and the hairs on the back of my neck stick straight up. As the last light was extinguished by the skyline, I suddenly felt alone. I turned around and realized that I was in fact the only one that remained. In vain, I tried to wake myself from the nightmare.

*************Disclaimer********************** These statements and views do not reflect the police department I work for. ************************************************ On March 21st, 2019 I walked across the stage, held my right hand in the air and was sworn in a peace officer in the state of Arizona. On April 22nd, 2019 I started my first day at the South Mountain Precinct on patrol as an Officer In Training (OIT). On August 15th, 2019 I finished the Field Training Program and got assigned to my permanent squad. It is now October 8th, 2019. To say this has been a journey, is a gross understatement. I knew going into this, that this would test me physically and emotionally. I knew that it was going to be hard, that it wasn't going to be like the movies or the television shows. This is something that I've wanted to do since college. If anyone knows me, I am determined. Once I put my mind to something, I make it happen. If I didn't have a middle name alrea...